I didn't think my recovery would look like this!

 No lists today! I want to be frank with you. I didn't think my recovery would look like this...

Early in recovery from drugs and alcohol, I was up and down, probably more down than up. I struggled with dealing with people, situations, events, work, play, relationships, pretty much every aspect of my life. I went to a lot of meetings and met a lot of great people. I started doing the steps (12 steps of AA), and I started to feel and be better. I started to have more challenging experiences as I progressed through my recovery, and my journey has been a rocky one at best. But I wouldn't trade it for anything because the life I have today is truly amazing. 

Yes, there is a but coming. I was single for 5 years. Purposely so. I needed to get to know myself, love myself and be by myself. It was wonderful and sad and lonely and empowering all at once. I decided it was time to enter the dating scene again as a sober, strong, independent woman. I had learned about boundaries and communication and how important they are in relationships. Heck, I taught that in my groups and to my clients! So I met someone. My life at that time was sort of hectic, schedule-wise. I was trying to do and accomplish many things at once, but I felt on top of the world, on top of my game. I think that was what attracted Joe (changed name for his privacy). I really had a strong connection with Joe right away, and I believe he did as well.

 But suddenly, I started becoming obsessive. Maybe I was already falling back into that old obsessive behavior before that, but I didn't see it. The voices in my head started second-guessing everything I said and did as well as everything he said and did. Again this is hindsight. I recognize this now; at that time, I was blind. 

Fear set in. What if he isn't "the one" and I'm wasting my time? What if he's not that into me and will only end up hurting me? Or What if he's getting high, and then I fall in love with him and either be stuck in a bad relationship or worse, I get high too? What if he's cheating on me? I tried to dispel these voices, but they remained in the back of my mind.

Then my world started crumbling. Not really, but it felt like it. The business I created wasn't doing well. My courses sucked! The book I wrote sucked, but I published it anyway just to get it done. Of course, there were other problems with my business as well. I was investing a lot of time and money into it, and I was getting stressed out. I didn't like my classes at school, and they were still virtual. I changed jobs because I wanted to make more money and learn more. The new job wasn't what I thought, and I started second-guessing my decision. In fact, I started second-guessing my decisions on everything.

My first red flag was I started binging and purging again. Those of you who don't know what that is, I ate large amounts of food, usually junk food, and then vomited it all up. I only did it a couple of times before I caught myself but it was an indicator of my life being off-balanced.

They say in AA that you will intuitively know. I thought I would intuitively know how to have a healthy relationship. I thought If I kept doing the right thing, amazing things would happen. Heck, I work the steps, and I have four years clean why not think that. But I was wrong. We learn from experiences and come to find out many people in recovery are the same. I guess what they mean is you will intuitively know when things aren't right. And I did, but I also didn't want to believe it. 

Then Joe didn't respond to my texts. We usually text throughout the day, and he usually called me every night to say good night. But he hadn't. It was only two days, but it felt like a week; my fear set in, and I panicked. I knew it, the voices in my head said! It was too good to be true, He's getting high, or he's not into you anymore. You blew it!! You were too demanding, controlling, selfish. You were too needy, pathetic!! You will always be that way, and no one wants a needy, pathetic person. Fuck that!! I won't let him get the best of me, my ego said. I'll break it off with him first!

I did not think I would behave like this at 49 years old with years of sobriety and with all the knowledge I had acquired. I'm ashamed to admit my childish behavior. But I recently spoke to a good friend, and she said we don't know how to have a healthy relationship by being single for years we learn by having relationships. I think I assumed I would just respond differently and not revert back to my old ways. It is terrifying to know just how quickly it can happen. 

I know this is an extremely long blog, lol. 

I have learned so much about myself and relationships from this experience. So I am grateful for the experience. Joe really is a great guy, and I don't know if I permanently messed it up. Time will tell. But either way, I know now some of the things I can do differently. I now know that I can't move too quickly, not to make my decision hastily and out of intense emotions. 

I am so grateful that I didn't drink, that I turned to some strong women and went back to basics. Which for me is work, school, meditation, reading, and being with family and friends. I put aside my business for now, and I'm focusing on my personal growth and development. This is one of the reasons why I cut back on my blogging from every day to once a week. I know I will get back to it, my business, and all that I want to accomplish, but I need to heal and grow for right now, and that's ok. I'm not in a rush anymore. After all, I'm only 49 :)