We are all doing the best we can

 

When I think I am better than or less than, I’m dealing with worthiness. I am evaluating my worth compared to some standard either I set for myself or I feel is expected of me. I am not in a state of compassion for myself or anyone else. Actually, if you don’t have compassion for yourself, you can’t have it for anyone else. We are all doing the best we can. In Brene Brown’s book Rising Strong, she talks about how she came to believe this to be true. And by having this belief, it had changed her perspective on the world and her place in it. I also had a similar experience.

 My son’s father and I had been split up for several years, and I was struggling with forgiving him, letting go, and moving on. I was so angry, and I felt justified in my anger. I did not want to give him The satisfaction of forgiveness. It was also one of the reasons why I could not stay sober. The resentment had me hostage. One of my sisters invited me on a retreat.  It was some type of religious retreat for her church. I am not the religious type, but it was a chance to get away and spend some time with my sister and my niece, so I went. The first thing that struck me was that this retreat was all women, and there were thousands of us in this arena. The energy the love that I felt in that room was so overwhelming I started to cry. But it wasn’t tears of sadness; I was really overjoyed.  There was a woman there speaking, sharing her story, her trauma, and her victory over that trauma. She told a story about Mary and Jesus. I’m not going to go into specifics (I couldn’t remember them anyway, lol), but it was a story of how Mary had to forgive herself. She needed to realize she did the best she could. The story really had a substantial impact on me. I purchased a pin that said, “she did the best she could.”

After the weekend retreat was over, I was home in my bed. For some reason, I was thinking about my ex. I rolled over, and I looked at the pin that was on my jacket by my bed. I didn’t see the S on the word she and I read it as he did the best he could. I became filled with a feeling of release, forgiveness, and the realization that he, in fact, did the best he could. The weight that was lifted from me was immense. I had let go. I had forgiven him. I have since learned that forgiveness is not for the other person. It is actually for ourselves. It’s not letting the other person off the hook. It’s letting us off the hook. But it took that moment for me to realize and have compassion for other people and myself. I now truly believe we are all doing the best we can.

In Brene’s book, she also states, “The trick to staying out of resentment is maintaining better boundaries -blaming others less and holding myself more accountable for asking for what I need and want.” She goes on to say, “There is no integrity in blaming and turning to it’s not fair, and I deserve. I need to take responsibility for my own well being. If I believed I was not being treated fairly or not getting something I deserved, was I actually asking for it, or was I just looking for an excuse to assign blame and feel self-righteous?” Sometimes, I think we find it easier to blame others and feel self-righteous than to set boundaries or to have a difficult conversation. But the cost of that self-righteousness is resentment. And as a woman in recovery, I cannot afford resentments. They talk about it in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous that resentments are the number one offender. It has been my experience that this is very accurate. It may take some work and some practice to set boundaries and to have difficult conversations, but in the end, it is definitely worth it. I not only don’t put toxins into the world, but I don’t put toxins in my being figuratively and literally.

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As always stay blessed and live your life Enthusiastically!!